i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We need a shit load of segways right now
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
