oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
