Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
