The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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