He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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