I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
