either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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