My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
