i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I wish there were birth control emojis
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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