you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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