I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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