I faked an abortion last night.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Who died my cat blue again?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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