judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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