im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
