I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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