the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
