I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
