Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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