Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
only you would photoshop your dick
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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