My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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