Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
