This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
