Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
