i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
