were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
