Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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