duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
