then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
