I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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