You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
