So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
