my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
