i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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