some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
