**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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