So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
