i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
