You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
