then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
