At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
