I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
