I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
