Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
