i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
