I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
