sarcasm needs its own font
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
