Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
