dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
