Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
