I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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